Oh, I love a good "payback" movie. You know what I'm talkin' about. Sometimes, someone needs to learn a lesson the hard way. By the time only popcorn kernals are left and you're trying to avoid crunching your molar caps off, the unappreciative sinner changes into a repentant believer, never again look at life the same ever again. This is the conversion storyline in Michael Miller's What Happened To The Girl I Married, as the author steps into life as a stay-at-home mom for an entire year.
And boy, did I love the "payback". Every page I turned, I was shouting, "Honey! Come here! LISTEN TO THIS!" And I'd start following Hubby around the house, reading excerpts aloud to him.
Hubby rolled his eyes when I first picked up my review copy from the mailbox. "Oh, great. Is this book gonna make you mad at me?"
No. In fact, it wasn't the husband bashing book my Hubby feared. I was just making him sweat. I knew he'd like what I was gonna read to him because Miller voiced my husband's unspoken complaints.
Especially about the laundry.
"Just listen, Honey. You'll like it. The author feels the same way you feel about laundry."
"Okay." Hubby concedes, as he mixes CJ's evening bottle. Hubby is already a wonderful husband, starting his night job after coming home from his day job at the office.
Hubby actually doesn't deserve any bashing at all. But, um, laundry has been silent sore point for Hubby. Although he never has said anything, I can always read his brain waves about this.
Ah, I got Hubby where I want him. Miller pins him down for me. And voila! In just a few paragraphs later, The pile wins. Miller learns through actually executing his methodology, albeit streamlined, inefficiencies eliminated just *does *not *work.
"As a customer of the existing laundry process [Hubby starts laughing], I had a good idea where the problems lied.
My very logical theory was that by changing the sorting criteria, folding frequency and put-away methodology, I could quickly streamline the process [Hubby cheers "YES!"] ...
Gone would be the giant pile of clean, wrinkled laundry that moved from room to room ["EXACTLY! Hubby pontificates.] ...
.. that means clean clothes folded into our dreawers when we need them -- without it taking days to complete ["THAT'S WHAT I SAY! Doesn't that make sense? Why is this so difficult?"] Hubby emerges from his shell!
.. I was confident it was achievable."
One of his own has 'fessed up. Hubby has conceded on the laundry because of this mini-book reading that early evening.
Unlike Miller, Hubby actually does not want to take a year off his wonderful day job to live my life as a stay-at-home mom in order to learn this lesson first hand. He is smart and is willing to take Miller's word for it.
Miller spends ten chapters writing out his confessional of his error-of-his-ways, as a spouse who was the sole breadwinner of the family. And they are spot on. My favorites were "It's Just an Inefficient Process -- Household Chores" and "So Where's the Applause? -- Recognition and Appreciation".
The great thing about this book is that my Hubby loved me reading it to him too. It wasn't Hubby Bashing material, and I wasn't mad at him after reading it.
In fact, we've had lots of laughter from it. Miller writes from a office guy's perspective, meaning full of Dilbertesque buzz words, from my prior corporate life. Since we're both from cubicle-land professionally, we appreciated a corporation's perspective on the stay-at-home job.
By the end of the read, I felt even more empowered about my life as a stay-at-home mom. It re-emphasized the monstrosity of the job. It lessens the the guilt I often inflict on myself when I take what little time off for my writing, my walks, my girlfriend outings, and spending money on regular date nights.
Being a stay-at-home mom is all consuming. And if you let it, it will completely burn you up, your marriage and your life. Hubby and I are committed to avoid that at all cost. This book helped us review where we were at as a couple, talk about areas in domestic life that bugged us, and re-commited ourselves to prioritizing my well being, as we raise our two boys, just three years apart.
How about you? What are the ways you unwind, to recover a part of yourself as a work-at-home or stay-at-home parent?
What's a job you wished Hubby/Wife appreciated better?
Full disclosure: I received a copy of Michael Miller's book, as a part of Silicon Valley Mom's Book Club July Selection.
23 comments:
I wish my wife would appropriate my writing. I mean to her my writing is just seat at home with the kids and watch TV all day. Only if we can trade places she would know what I go through everyday.
Bonnie, I enjoyed your response. I, too, totally "got" the laundry part. It was just the beginning of a series of head nods in agreement.
Like you, reading this book has opened up a whole new world of conversations for my husband and me.
I didn't identify as much with the recognition chapter. Found it to relate more to my husband's life at the office than to my life at home. I kind of thought "oh, that's gotta be a man thing." Mybe its just not a "julie" thing.
@Word Seeker: Once a person walks in another's shoes, the world looks awfully different!
@justprecious: I liked the recognition chapter because the light bulb came on for my Hubby.. meaning he understood now that I'm not complaining when I tell him all the little itty bitty stuff I do. It's my feeble cry for some recognition.. Just like he loves getting strokes at work.
I can't get my husband to even look at the cover of the book. I handed it to him after I was done w/it and asked him to read it. I promised it was super fast. Three days later, it is still sitting on the chair next to where he was sitting. How long do you think I should leave it there?
@Sophia: Quick! Pick up the book and follow him around, pestering him to listen, until he's a captive audience. Then, let him have it! .. worked for me, 'cuz my Hubby wouldn't have touched it with a ten foot pole. ;)
"Being a stay-at-home mom is all consuming. And if you let it, it will completely burn you up, your marriage and your life." Absolutely. I'm glad you're taking steps to avoid getting burned out.
@Vered: Yep, this mama's not going up in flames. Don't care for the burnt out look too much, if you know what I mean. I can tell from your writing this is important to you, too. ;)
I loved this post (more than the book :) and I just chuckled imaging you stalking your husband reading passages of the book :)
My husband PROMISED me he would read the book. At least that's what he keeps saying every day! It's on the kitchen counter to remind him, and I am determined that he will read it sooner or later! As you said, I'm not asking him to take his own year off to live my life, just to read the book and learn from the author's insights.
Now, that was smart, reading passages from the book and forcing your husband to listen LOL.
My tactic was less direct. I left the book on husband's dresser, but he didn't even notice. (Just like men, huh?)
Think I just need to ask him to read it!
Great post. I was laughing also
@WkSocMom: Yep. I was on him like white on rice!
@Bonggamom: That's right! Don't let up on him! Why is it so hard for men to pick up a book?
@SiliconValleyDiva: Maybe we can recommend to the author swapping out the "heart" cover art with something that could attract men... Like a red corvette, a dollar sign, or tall glass of beer?
I told my husband he needs to read this book. He rolled his eyes and went to clean the bathroom. Small miracles!
Agreed that this book caused more knowing smiles and laughs than arguments... Because of how many times I quoted it to him, my husband asked to read it, so he's working on it now. I just wish there was a companion book from the wife's perspective!
I completely related to this book and told my husband that he had to read it. It didn't occur to me to read him the areas that I really want him to hear. I'm going to have to do that because I know he will never pick up the book.
we've been living out of a suitcase for the last two weeks just because i can't get the clean clothes in it put away. my husband might be getting just a little bit impatient with me...
I wrote the book with the specific goal in mind of increasing the probability that men would read it. It's short, it's subtitled, it makes attempt at humor and it has a chapter on sex. In the responses from the first readers who were mostly women, many of them said that they wanted their husbands to read it but were having trouble. They weren't getting an outright "No", but more of the passive put-off or "I'm just too busy." The last being a response I would have tried when I was "that guy."
What would have worked with me, and has worked with some of the women readers I've talked to, is stating clearly..."It would mean a lot to me if you read this book. It's a short read, humorous and articulates some things that are good for us to communicate about. Oh yeah, did I tell you it has a chapter about sex?"
I have finished the brainstorming for my the other side of this book, "What happened to the guy she married?", and I'm trying to find the time to get down to the writing. Hopefully someday soon.
Thanks for taking the time out of you schedule to read the book. I appreciate all your insights.
@Linsey: Whoa! That's worth the read right there! Good for your hubby.
@Roxane: I agree. The book is very quotable. I'm already teasing Hubby with, "Are you gonna 'bottom line it' on me now?" and it kinda diffuses things and makes it an inside joke.
@ConnectWithYourTeens: It really has worked. Once I read Hubby a few excerpts and he knew it was non-threatening, he was then willing to pick it up himself to checkout the rest of the book.
@Melaine: LOL! We've been living out of the dryer since I've been putting this post together. Now, I have one less pile to fold. :)
@Michael: Thanks for stopping by and taking time to comment!
I confirm from my Hubby that your book was written for readability for the guys. You did a great job.
Can't wait for your second book. Take time as you did with this first one, and I'm sure you'll hit one out of the park again.
Best wishes!
@
Bonnie, I have to say that this was my favorite blog. I loved your approach with your husband... having fun while also opening an important dialogue together. I could picture it unfolding in my mind and I chuckled out loud many times as you gently worked to get hubby just where you wanted him before hitting him with the zinger. But the words that resonated with me most were those in the end..."it helped us review where we are as a couple and recommit to prioritizing my well being." Beautifully expressed. It was Michael and my hope that our journey may help others in some small way and there is no better joy than knowing it helped open a dialogue in such a positive, loving manner. Thank you so much for sharing a your thoughts and feedback with us. We wish you and hubby the best. Kindly, Linda
@Linda: It's awesome to have THE girl Michael married here at JustPeachyBabyBlog!
You guys did great job opening up this difficult but transforming time in your lives.. with humor, from a positive and honest place.
We had fun going through it. Time well spent.
Thanks so much for the compliments. ;)
All the best from the Grays to the Millers!
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