Sitting in a parenting support group with other mommies, I was curious how other moms would answer this question: How much attention is enough or too much for a two year old toddler?
I remember when TJ was an infant, this wasn't even a question, since basic caregiving was a 24x7 job. Feeding, bathing, rocking, burping, diaper changing.... on and on. But, the whole question of how much attention is enough started emerging from moms in support groups as our babies began to crawl, walk, run, and now talk.
It seems with each developmental milestone, we see some growing capabilities, and we wonder, "Will I get any time to eat, wash my hair, return some email, prep for dinner.. or just take a breather?"
It turns out that the answer to this question varied widely, depending on the style of parenting and type of mom you are.
The first question our discussion facilitator asked us was, "How much time do you spend 1-1 time playing with your child? Not reading. Going to the park doesn't count unless you are one on one playing with him at the park."
There was a pause, as moms tried to run a mental calculation.
I was starting to feel a bit nervous. Hmm, let's see. I make sure I read for 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the afternoon. Shoot. That doesn't count as playing? Well, I still think it counts towards giving TJ attention. Still, I digress. Back to answering the question.
Hmm, I play in spurts. 5min or 10min or 15min spurts. Just enough to get TJ engrossed in some toy, pretend storyline, or craft/art activity to play independently for a while. How long TJ will play by himself, though, is an unknown variable, depending on mood or the alignment of the stars in the galaxy on that particular day.
I had a hard time figuring it out. Am I not spending enough time giving attention to TJ? Am I spending too much? Gosh, I'm often trying to encourage him to play by himself!
It turns out the answers varied, with some moms saying they spend less than an hour. One mom scheduled preschool for her two kids on different days so that she could spend 1-1 time with each different child. Another schedule once a month time alone with each sibling and rotated with her husband.
I was also happy to hear that some activities that I considered attention-giving with TJ was mentioned by another mom. This included: incorporating your child into your daily activities or chores, baking, and special crafts.
Very quickly, though, the discussion about how-much-attention-is-enough moved into the whole area of mommy needing time off for ourselves. Here are the top four things that moms crave the most, but just can't find time for (thus the desire for more independent play with our kids):
- Exercise
- Social interaction with other women
- Time with Hubby
- Just breathe/decompress
"Why are the moms always the ones to be the time master?"expressed one mom.
I came away from that day's meeting running through my mental list of things I like to do with TJ. I told myself to be more conscious of how much time I'm spending. It's okay to stop and play. But, it's also okay to give myself freedom to take time for my own sanity and self.
Overall, though, I think all moms spend different amounts, and types of activities depending on:
- Number of siblings
- Work schedules
- Parenting style
- Demands of homelife, housekeeping
- Level of family support (parents, grandparents, siblings of the couple, friends who help out)
- Level of activities, classes and lessons that the little kiddies have
- Babysitting/Preschool Availability
It's not a simple answer to how much attention is enough. But, this is definitely a hot topic for moms everywhere!
7 comments:
I have a confession to make. I never enjoyed "playing" with my kids. I always preferred incorporating them into MY daily routine to sitting on the floor playing games that are frankly quite boring to me.
I am not a perfect mother... but I am pretty sure I am doing a good job with my kids. If taking them to the park or to the museum, letting them help me cook/ bake, watching a play with them or allowing them to pick the perfect apples at the store does not count as "one on one", then so be it.
Thanks for a thought-provoking post!
Yeah, I should've written this post with a confessional like yours. Like you say, I do love having him in my daily routine. I can tell we both like having our little cuties with us as a trusty companion in the daily grind of life. I think I caved into my "guilty" mom side after the class discussion.
I came across your blog just after building a giant tower of Legos with my son. I've been conciously trying to live in the present moment- you know, not thinking about what needs to be done, be it pending work, chores, exercising, bathing him or anything, and actually playing with my son distracts me from my thoughts and lets me focus on the moment! Its quite relaxing in a wierd sort of way!
Raisingsingh - that is so good you can unplug when you play with your son. i think that would be a great benefit, to be free from distractions. thnx for your thoughts!
It's so funny that I came across your blog...I'm a new mom and my baby is 10 months old. She's at the point where she can't decide if she wants o be independent or if she wants to be at my side 24-7. I have been tring to allot myself about 15 minutes each hour to playing with her.
Your post really makes me feel pumped up to "play" more with my baby. Thanks!
You're too right about moms needing those things...I can't remember the last time I exercised or sat in the front seat of the car with my hubby. :)
I feel kind of guilty now, I think I haven't been giving my toddler enough time lately. I have been going through some of my own life issues for awhile now and have needed time for myself. I do try to play with my dd, but some days I really don't want to do kiddish stuff. Now I'm thinking I should spend more time with her, or set of regular times for play with her. She's been really whiny and clingy lately. Ah well, it was a good blog and made me think, along with reading other articles on toddler play.
I think it is important to follow your child's lead in play. If you get involved with what he wants to play when he is looking for you to join him, you will both get more satisfaction from the interaction.
My 18 month old grandson knows a lot of baby signs and it helps him let us know what is on his mind. He uses the sign for "more" very loosely to mean "I am interested, want that or come join me" It seems to be his sign to get his "minions" to interact with him when he wants to.
Just remember young children also need downtime to figure things out and reflect. My grandson will often walk to his room and play or read books quietly when he wants downtime.
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